A document with a step-process diagram representing the stages of a romance scam.

Romance Scams: What They Are, How They Work, and What to Do If You’ve Been Targeted

By Tom Reardon

The FTC recorded 64,003 romance scam reports in 2023, with total losses of $1.14 billion. The median reported loss was $2,000, the highest of any imposter scam category. Those are official figures. AARP research found that 55 percent of adults 50 and older who lost money in a romance scam didn’t report it anywhere. The real number is almost certainly larger.

I want to be direct about what this article is and isn’t. It’s not a list of scary statistics designed to make you afraid of online dating. Romance scams are real and they’re serious, but panic doesn’t help anyone who’s trying to figure out whether a relationship they care about is genuine, or someone who has already sent money and needs to know what to do next. This is about understanding how these scams are built, what the mechanics look like, and what the practical options are.

What Romance Scams Actually Are

The category has gotten more complicated in the last several years. The classic version still exists: a scammer builds a fake romantic relationship, eventually claims an emergency, and asks for money. That model hasn’t gone away.

But the more financially damaging version now runs a different script. Scammers build the same relationship, but the money request comes framed as an investment opportunity rather than an emergency loan. Often it’s cryptocurrency. The victim isn’t asked to help; they’re offered a chance to build wealth alongside someone they trust. These hybrid scams are sometimes called “pig butchering” (a term from criminal slang, referring to fattening the victim before the slaughter), though federal regulators have also used the terms “relationship investment scam” and “financial grooming scam.”

The FBI’s 2024 Internet Crime Complaint Center report recorded 17,910 confidence and romance complaints totaling $672 million in losses. Separately, it recorded investment fraud losses among people over 60 of $1.834 billion. The overlap between those categories is real. Many of those investment cases started as relationship scams. The FTC groups romance fraud under imposter scams and tracks it separately, which is why the numbers from different agencies don’t match. They’re measuring overlapping pieces of the same problem from different angles.

One figure from the FBI deserves particular attention.

Its Operation Level Up program, which proactively contacts people believed to be mid-scam, found that 77 percent of people it reached were unaware they were being scammed at the time of contact. Eighty victims were referred for suicide intervention. This isn’t background noise. It’s the cost of a fraud designed specifically to weaponize attachment.

How the Scam Unfolds

The setup follows a consistent structure across thousands of documented cases. Individual details vary. The underlying shape doesn’t.

Stage 1: The Contact

The initial contact usually comes through a legitimate platform. Dating apps are common, but so are Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, WhatsApp group chats, and “wrong number” texts that open a conversation. The approach is designed to feel casual or flattering. There’s no immediate pressure.

In many documented cases, the scammer moves quickly to shift the conversation off the original platform, often citing privacy, simplicity, or a preference for messaging apps. WhatsApp and Telegram appear repeatedly in victim accounts and regulatory guidance. That move is one of the earliest warning signs.

Stage 2: Bonding and Grooming

The relationship builds fast. The scammer messages constantly, shares personal details, expresses affection quickly, and creates a sense of growing connection. Declarations of love often come within days or weeks. There are always explanations for why an in-person meeting isn’t possible: overseas work, military deployment, medical situation, travel. The excuses are plausible enough not to immediately alarm.

SEC and CFTC guidance describes this phase as a “long con.” The investment in the relationship is real from the scammer’s side. It’s just that the investment is time and script, not genuine emotion. By the end of this stage, many victims have shared personal information, a daily communication routine, and a sense of future possibility with someone they’ve never actually met.

Stage 3: The Investment Pivot

In the classic version, this is where the emergency appears. A sick relative, a legal problem, a flight booked that can’t be paid for. The request feels hard to say no to because the relationship has been built to make refusal feel like abandonment.

In the newer hybrid version, the pivot looks different. The scammer mentions a cryptocurrency platform or trading strategy “a family member showed me” or “I’ve been quietly building on the side.” They show fake screenshots of returns. They offer to help the victim get started. Sometimes they demonstrate by depositing what appears to be a small amount on the victim’s behalf. The framing isn’t desperation. It’s generosity and insider access.

The victim is directed to a specific app, website, or crypto wallet. The app may look completely legitimate. It may even be available in official app stores. The SEC specifically warns that an app store listing is not evidence of legitimacy.

Stage 4: The Illusion of Success

This stage is one of the more technically sophisticated parts of the fraud. The platform shows strong returns. In many cases, an early withdrawal attempt succeeds, which builds confidence and encourages larger deposits. The fake gains are real on the screen and completely fabricated in the backend.

Investor.gov, the SEC’s retail investor education site, explicitly warns people not to take comfort from seeing profits in an account or being able to cash out early. Those are trust-building mechanics, not evidence the platform works.

Stage 5: The Endgame

When the victim tries to make a significant withdrawal, the platform introduces a barrier. Taxes owed before the release. A compliance fee. KYC verification. A loan that has to be repaid first. The specific barrier varies. The function is always the same. It’s designed to extract additional money before contact ends.

Once the victim stops paying or questions the situation, the scammer disappears. The platform goes dark. In some cases, victims are then contacted by “recovery” services, lawyers, or people claiming to be from law enforcement, who offer to retrieve the lost funds for an upfront fee. That is a second scam, frequently run by the same criminal networks.

Warning Signs Worth Knowing

These aren’t obscure tells. They appear consistently across thousands of documented cases and every major regulatory warning on this topic.

The conversation moves off the original platform fast. A dating app match who wants to switch to WhatsApp within days, before any real-world meeting is established, is following a documented pattern. That’s not proof of a scam. It’s the first signal worth registering.

The emotional intensity accelerates ahead of the relationship. Declarations of love in the first few weeks, detailed plans for a shared future, constant messaging that creates a sense of intimacy before any in-person contact. These are grooming patterns, and they’re effective precisely because they feel real.

The person claims unusual financial expertise. A wealthy insider with a track record in crypto, forex, or precious metals. A person who’s “made good returns quietly” and wants to share the access. CFTC and SEC guidance both flag this as a hallmark of relationship-investment scams.

You’re directed to a specific platform, app, or payment method. Especially if it’s a QR code, a Bitcoin ATM, an overseas wire, or a particular crypto exchange. The FTC states directly: if someone from online dating wants to show you how to invest in crypto, that is a scam.

You’re asked to keep the investment secret. From family members, financial advisers, anyone. The FBI specifically notes that scammers may try to isolate victims from outside perspectives. In legitimate relationships and legitimate investments, secrecy is not part of the package.

The returns are strong, especially after a small initial deposit. An early withdrawal that seems to confirm the platform is real. These are designed checkpoints, not evidence of legitimacy.

Fees appear when you try to withdraw. Taxes, compliance fees, account holds. Once this stage appears, no additional payment will release the funds. The money is gone.

What to Do If Money Has Already Left

Speed matters here. Some payment types can still be reversed or frozen if you act within hours. Others, especially cryptocurrency and overseas wires, are much harder to recover.

Stop all payments and all contact immediately. This includes any “recovery service” that contacts you afterward. The FBI says additional payments will not unlock the account, and that recovery services are frequently a second fraud.

Contact the payment channel right away. Call the bank, card issuer, wire transfer company, money transfer app, or crypto exchange you used. Explain that you paid a scammer and ask specifically about reversal or refund options. The FTC guidance here is to make this call the same day if possible.

File official reports quickly. At minimum, report to the FBI’s IC3 at IC3.gov and to the FTC at reportfraud.ftc.gov. If the scam involved cryptocurrency or investment fraud, also file with the CFTC and the SEC, and report the platform to the crypto exchange used. Report the original account to the dating app or social platform where contact began.

Preserve everything before it disappears. Usernames, profile URLs, phone numbers, wallet addresses, transaction IDs, screenshots of balances, the app or website used, all messages, and a timeline of the relationship and payments. The FBI specifically asks for this information when filing a report. Evidence that seems minor can be useful in cross-referencing against other cases.

If you shared personal information, treat it as an identity event. A scammer who has your Social Security number, date of birth, or banking credentials can cause damage beyond the immediate fraud. The FTC recommends using IdentityTheft.gov if sensitive personal information was shared. You may want to place a credit freeze or at minimum a fraud alert. See our credit freeze guide for the process at each bureau.

Wire-based fraud has a specific intervention pathway.

The FBI’s Recovery Asset Team and Financial Fraud Kill Chain can sometimes freeze wire transfer funds before they’re fully moved. The FBI’s 2024 IC3 report recorded a 66 percent success rate for the kill chain process. That rate applies only to cases reported quickly. It doesn’t apply to crypto losses or overseas transfers, where recovery is far less likely.

Why Victims Often Defend the Scammer

This is the part most articles skip, and it matters.

Romance scam victims frequently continue to defend the scammer after the fraud is discovered. They argue with family. They resist outside warnings. Some continue sending money even after being told by law enforcement that the platform is fake.

This isn’t naivety. It’s the predictable psychological result of how these scams are engineered.

Academic research on romance fraud, including work by Monica Whitty and Tom Buchanan, consistently describes what they call a “double hit”: victims lose the money and lose what felt like a real relationship. Some participants in their research said the relationship loss hurt as much as or more than the financial loss. One participant described still missing the persona after learning the “partner” was almost certainly a male criminal.

There’s also a cognitive dissonance piece. Many victims report feeling early uneasiness that they pushed away. Accepting the fraud isn’t just accepting financial loss. It means accepting that the relationship, the future they were imagining, and the money already sent were all built on a lie simultaneously. That’s a lot to hold. Shame compounds the difficulty. AARP’s 2026 research found that stigma around romance scam victimhood (the assumption that victims were lonely or gullible) makes reporting less likely and deepens isolation.

If someone you know was targeted, the FTC’s guidance is worth following: lead with empathy, not ridicule. Scams can happen to anyone. Shame shuts down disclosure. The person who is still defending the scammer isn’t being irrational given their emotional experience. They’re being human. The practical goal is to be the trusted voice they can come back to once the cognitive dissonance starts to shift.

Recovery, when it happens, is both financial and psychological. The FBI’s Operation Level Up referrals for suicide intervention are a reminder that the emotional harm from these scams can be severe. Resources that address the psychological dimension alongside the financial one are more useful than those that treat this purely as a consumer fraud problem.

Support Resources

AARP Fraud Watch Network Helpline: 877-908-3360. Free for members and nonmembers. Available for people who’ve been targeted and for family members trying to help.

VictimConnect Resource Center: victimconnect.org. 24/7, anonymous, confidential hotline with trained victim-assistance specialists. Covers romance scams directly.

FightCybercrime.org: fightcybercrime.org. Guided pathways for romance scam and crypto-investment scam victims, including both the financial recovery and emotional support dimensions.

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357. If the emotional impact has become serious, this is a free, confidential resource available around the clock.

The Practical Bottom Line

Romance scams work because they’re built on something real. The emotional experience of the relationship isn’t fake from the victim’s perspective. It’s fake from the scammer’s. That asymmetry is the entire design.

The warning signs I’ve described aren’t foolproof detectors. Some of those behaviors exist in genuine relationships too. What they are is a reason to slow down. Any one of them is worth registering. Several of them together is a reason to pause the relationship entirely until you can verify who you’re actually talking to.

If you’re currently in contact with someone you met online and the investment conversation has started, or the request for secrecy has appeared, read that carefully. The FBI found that 77 percent of people it contacted mid-scam had no idea they were in one. That’s not a criticism. It’s a measure of how well this particular fraud is designed.

If money has already gone out, your first call is to the bank or payment channel, the same day. Your second is to IC3.gov. The rest of the steps are above.

If you’re supporting someone who was targeted, the most useful thing you can be is steady. The fraud was sophisticated. The emotional experience was real to them. Treating the victim as naive doesn’t help. It just makes them less likely to be honest with you about what happened.

For adults protecting an aging parent who may be particularly vulnerable to this category of scam, our guide on protecting aging parents from scams covers the structural interventions that work better than awareness alone.

Tom Reardon spent over 20 years in product and operations at major identity protection providers. He writes at MyScamGuide.com to give consumers the honest picture the industry’s marketing never did.

Official reporting and resources